Contending With Contentment

There is a parable in the bible that is resonating with me right now. At the end of it Jesus essentially tells them that since you sucked at taking care of the little that you had, you aren't getting anymore....and that's kinda what I feel like I'm going through with homesteading.

Our little 'stead sits on close to 3/4 of an acre. Not large by any standard. When most think of homesteading it's usually starts at what...5 maybe 10 acres? It's certainly what I long for. Having a forest to hunt in, or get some pigs. Maybe a pond for fishing and an independent water source. A few acres of pasture for some sheep or a cow or two....those are the things I long for. The things I want to move towards.... But I feel like it's hard to look in that direction.

For starters, I haven't been able to keep up with less than acre... How in the world would I manage 10? I look at our property and see so much potential...but at the same time see the busy street and neighbor's pristinely manicured lawns hemming is in. I feel like I could do so much with the land that I have, but realize at the same time that it wouldn't be enough. And so begins the war.

I contend with contentment.

I want to be content with what I have, but so eagerly desire for more. I dream of sipping coffee in the early morning while the chickens and the sheep wander the pastures eating their own breakfast, but then realize that I'm not being grateful for what I have. I haven't even maximized the little land that I do have, how can I expect God to bless me with more?

So I settle in...I say to myself..."utilize every inch of this little surburbian plot, and show every how you don't have to have all this land to provide food and happiness for your family." And I do it....for a few weeks.

I start making plans and drawing diagrams and I tell Trish and the kids that this is what we are going to do... We are going to add this and change that, build one of those and add that thing here. And it all sounds amazing... I get all giddy and fired up rearing to go...then after I start all of the projects I realize....wait a minute...isn't this all just a waste of time and effort and money? I mean come on man... You have 8 kids....8 kids that will one day be not kids...but te....teeeeenaaa....teenagers......

I just got goosebumps.

Isn't all that work just for nought? Let's be real here, you have 4 girls that will soon be 4 teenage girls...and you only have one bathroom. Listen, I know you've always wanted one of those compost toilets outback, but I'm pretty sure that's not gonna suit their needs. I say so matter-of-factly to myself. So what's the point? Why put in those additional fruit trees, are even going to be here when they start producing? You want to take all that time and work to build all those new garden beds all over the property so that in a couple of years you can turn them all back to sod when you sell the place? Pretty sure the next owner isn't going to ant that duckweed pond out in the back to feed the chickens.

And so I stop all the forward progress that I was making and rethink everything over again. And so the cycle spins.

It's hard not knowing what the next step should be. It was slot easier when I don't have 9 people depending upon me. When I was younger I could afford to make mistakes, to find my way through sticky situations. Although having 8 kids is a very sticky way of living both literally and metaphorically, it's not something I openly take head on anymore.

And so I'm left not moving at all. Unsure of whether I should forge ahead and let the future worry about itself, being content with what I have been given and be a good steward for what I currently have or to look ahead and start planning and cutting a path to where I'm eventually going to be.

In the end it doesn't even matter, I had to fall to lose it all, but in the end it doesn't even matter....

Wait sorry, my early 2000's is showing.

In the end, necessity takes over and I end up leaning towards doing what I can do because that's all I can do. Not sure that's the right step and I second guess myself all the time, which is rather annoying, but it's where I'm at.

Do you ever feel this way? Trying to do what's right, when both options seem good and responsible, but never knowing what's best?